You May Not Know This About Me, But...

I'm a pretty fucking awful blogger. Last post May 9th?! Jesus fuck that's terrible. I have been on the move a lot so I do need some considerations, but still...

Other news, I'm moving to Martha's Vineyard tomorrow to live and work for the summer. Maybe some blogable shit will go down there and I'll remember to clue you all in to it instead of just going balls deep into half a watermelon and going to bed.

Driving Me Nuts

If I see this god damn commercial one more time on ESPN, I'm going to fucking kill myself. It's one of the least funny commercials I've ever seen, and it plays almost 2-3 times every morning on ESPN while I'm watching highlights. You may be thinking I'm just being a whiner and it's like other annoying commercials that come on once or twice per half hour, but this commercial literally plays twice each commercial break. They also have a little 15 second adlet version that sometimes comes on 3 times per break. You think I'm kidding, watch ESPN News one morning. Fucking insanity.

Moss Motorsports, LLC

Hardcore thugs of Randy Moss' caliber just became NASCAR fans. I can't wait for guys like these to start showing up at races.

"'Fuck you mean 'BLACK' flag?!"


Full Story HERE.

Saturday Night Terrible

Saturday Night Live these days is fucking god awful. It's like getting a blowjob with a condom on; you know you've enjoyed this before, you know you should be enjoying this, but it's just not cutting it.

Whiners

Something's been eating me for a long time now and it's way past due for discussion.

Why do people harp so much on people who pop their collars? There are a bunch of "Anti Collar-Poppers Association" groups on facebook for morons to join, and they even go as far as to think they're important by having "chapters" of the "Association" (e.g. Anti Collar-poppers Association: Lafayette Chapter"). This shit really gets to me, not as a defender of the collar-popping style, but because most of the people that make or join these groups are little emo assholes or fat zeros who think they are so much better than the rest of society for not conforming. Get a life you chuffs. No one makes shitty little groups about your tight jeans and tattered Ramones t-shirts that are 8 sizes too small for you. You all think you're so hip and going against the grain for labeling someone else's style as pretentious. Maybe if you spent a little more time worrying about your own shit instead of bashing others for theirs you'd get laid every once in a while. I mean what's the big deal? Collar up, collar down, who cares. It's like if there were hundreds of groups that were the "Anti Converse All Stars With Funky Colored Laces And Shit Drawn All Over Them Association", people would freak out and get all defensive. The difference between those people and the kids that pop their collars is that the collar-poppers could care less what other people think of them and the ugly Converse kids are so insecure they have to go on the attack. You're weak.

Raisinets Are Grossly Underrated

Why is it that I only buy Raisinets like once every 3 years? These little fuckers are delicious. I guess they throw all their profit into lobbying for a spot under that glass counter at the movie theater because have you ever seen a commercial for Raisinets? Didn't think so.

HAHA We Will Haunt You Motherfuckers

If you didn't already hear, they found a Red Sox jersey buried in cement at the construction site of the new Yankee Stadium in New York. It isn't as cool as if it were 50 years old, but finding one of David Ortiz' jerseys embedded in the cement is still pretty boss. You know some die-hard is going to sneak in there and bury another one so consider yourselves cursed, you pricks.

Read the full story HERE.

Fucking College Sports

I know the National Championship game was last night and shitty Kansas who no one important gives a shit about won, but I've been meaning to pick this bone since I saw Texas do this on their way to the Elite Eight; When did cutting down the net become something a team does after EVERY game? Back in my day that was for the champion, not some uppity team that made it past the third round.

Also, what the hell is up with Roy Williams wearing a Jayhawks shirt at the game last night? Didn't his team just lose to Kansas 2 days prior? I don't give a fuck if he coached at Kansas, UNC is his Alma Mmater and that's who he coaches now. So stop smiling, traitor.

My Name Is Allison, But You Can Call Me "Bombs" - UPDATED

Giving yourself a nickname is about as cool as giving a pregnant woman cigarettes and vodka. How big of a zero do you have to be to tag yourself? People this do that need to be ejected from any and all social gatherings. Feel free to pour beer on them as well.

UPDATE - Naming your adopted Chinese daughter "Chynna" is neither clever nor original.

Gay Dudes Love My Balls

This week I got hit on by a gay guy. He did it in front of a bunch of kids I was teaching so it was creepy and inappropriate, but this has happened to me a few times in my life, and I gotta say it doesn't make it any easier. The last time it happened I was still in DC and some Bear in a cutoff t-shirt asked me if I play football because of my "size".

I guess it's sort of a compliment though, right? I mean I must still have something going if some brokeback wants to take a KY bath with me. I hope it's because I still have my boyish good looks and not because I'm starting to give off some gay vibe that men who want to blow me in the parking lot pick up on. I just wish Jessica Simpson would hit on me as much as gay men do. Please. Jessica? Please?

Someone Owes Me A Dinner

I had my first physical in about 6 years today and I'm happy to say I checked out fine. Of course I get the doctor who is adamant about checking for testicular cancer (in all fairness it's sort of a big deal at my age) so dude spent like 10 minutes down there shuffling through my gear. It's the most action I've gotten in months. Which is sad.

I Fell In The Mud Ruining The Very Pants I Set Out To Return

I feel like Kramer in that Seinfeld episode where he sells all of his good stories to J. Peterman, and it SUCKS. I have no stories. I'm out in the middle of nowhere Texas with nothing to write about. I've got this fucker from FFA riding my ass about how shitty my blog is, and I have to tell you I sort of agree with him. But, before I buy a bunch of Newman stories off someone, I'm going to make a conscious effort to step it up.

I am getting a physical tomorrow and haven't shaved my pubes in like 2 months so that should be interesting. Keep an eye out for a post about that.

"Scrubs" Blows

God damn is this an awful show. Some of the people I live with watch it and I just don't get it. It's basically a show about a couple of morons running around a hospital never doing any actual medical work, but instead spend half their time talking to a sarcastic janitor. Is that funny? Did I miss some comedic development in the television world that would explain how we got from quite possibly the funniest sitcom ever in Seinfeld to an abortion like Scrubs?? Someone help.

That fuck-up with the braces from Clueless and Zach Braff of all people head up a listless cast of people who couldn't act their way out of a paper bag. After watching 30 minutes of this garbage I can safely say I won't laugh for a week.

P.S. Zac Efron is the next Zach Braff? I think so.

Pursuing The American Dream

Ladies and gentlemen, your humble and erratic blogger has become a trendsetter yet again. It appears as if unemployment is a catalyst for blogging because a friend of mine has finally followed his dream and given birth to his electronic brainchild. It is my pleasure to give you Fast Food Aficionado.

Now linked permanently on the right is the blog "Fast Food Aficionado." Here, you can skim the pages of ramblings and become an expert on all things fast food. Impress your friends, score chicks, and learn how to consume empty calories and saturated fat in style.

Enjoy.

Long Time, No See

Some of you know, some of you don't, but I'm living/working in Texas right now trying to discover oil. We aren't sure if there is any here, but we are checking.

Zing.

In all seriousness though, I am in Texas working at a camp. Internet here is... interesting, so posts might be few and far between. My fan(s?) will have to just be patient with me. Sorry.

On a lighter note, today a woman showed up with to chaperone her son's class from a local school, and let me tell you, she was a PEACH! Ladies if you are looking to class yourself up a little with a new look, might I suggest smoking 2-3 packs of menthol 100s until the skin on your face looks like tree bark, rocking a few warts on your forehead, and flaunting a bedazzled camo t-shirt that says "He Hunts, I Shop" across your sagging tits. It was all I could to to keep from feeling her up in the woods. Goodness!

Lame Tuesday

Pick up this week's TIME magazine, look at the cover, vomit, use cover to wipe up vomit. 

TIME did a story about young people who "get out and vote." COOL!!!! I'm so pumped to read about college kids who think their fuckin awesome because they are politically active. Apparently, you can't get into any parties at UC Berkley unless you have your voter registration card on you, not like any parties at UC Berkley are worth going to anyway, but hey.

So when did it become chic to vote? Isn't that something you just do once you turn 18? Buy porn and cigarettes and register to vote. Am I the only one who was raised this way? Do people really feel the need to flaunt their voter status?? Just do it and keep your fucking mouth shut. The youth of America needs to get a life. Stop whining about our political system to your coffee house pals and crack a few jokes or go meet some girls (unless you are one which means you're probably fat and ugly so you're shit out of luck).

Fat Guy Walks, Novel Ideas Embraced

Interestingly enough, I know the guy in the left hand side of this picture. He's a PhD student in Boston now, but we went to college together once upon a time. I don't know who this Phill Novak guy is on the right, but he's claiming he was once fat when he obviously just stole a photo of my buddy from a few weekends ago, duped CNN into thinking this was him before he started exercising, and is now cashing in on all that Subway Jared pussy. Lucky bastard. 

You can read more about Phill "Two L's" Novak here. If you could care less, try here.

Katherine Heigl

Some of you may know that I'm one of the most kind, gentile souls on the planet and I try and give back every chance I get. That being said, every week night I allow my mom (yes I'm living at home right now. Yeah? Well fuck you too, buddy) to have her choice of TV programing from 6-6:30 because there's nothing on between the 5:30 Seinfeld on TBS and Pardon The Interruption on ESPN at 6:30. Of course, her default pick is Oprah. Personally, I'd rather rub shards of glass in my eyeballs than intentionally watch this show.

Aaaaanyhoo, tonight's episode features "actress" Katherine Heigl, one of the most overrated people on the planet. The show opened with Oprah asking questions about her recent marriage to musician Josh Kelley (who?). Katherine admits that prior to marrying this zero they had not spent more than 2 weeks at a time with each other, and had never lived together. Wow, this marriage is fucking doomed. How could you ever marry someone you haven't lived with before? What if Heigl leaves open cans of tuna in the fridge? What if pop superstar Josh Kelley likes to shave his pubes in the sink? I'll give this 6 months. Just another reason to run Katherine Heigl down with your car or mail Oprah boxes filled with feces.

Blogs, Generally Speaking

Well, usually when someone brings up a "blogger" around me I will launch into a little tiff about how stupid those people are, and how everyone just likes to hear themselves talk about their "point of view" or a "hip, not-so-new observation" and I use a lot of buzz-words like "emo fag" and "moron." But, it's high time I put my money where my mouth is, so I have decided to start this... blog... because I feel as if there needs to be balance. There are too many people on soap boxes out there who don't know their ass from a hole in the ground; and I've made it a moral imperative to tear each and every one of them down. Or at least be entertaining.

I'll try and remember this blog exists so I put something in every day or so. That way you'll have ample opportunity to comment on what a shitty job I'm doing.

Mission Statement

The purpose of this blog is to:

1. Out-blog a certain other blogger who will remain nameless because I don't want to draw any attention to her post-coital cleanup rag of a blog. Chew on that, Jaw.

2. Get at people that annoy me.

3. Get at shit that annoys me.

4. General observations.

5. Funny shit.

6. etc.