Long Time, No See

Some of you know, some of you don't, but I'm living/working in Texas right now trying to discover oil. We aren't sure if there is any here, but we are checking.

Zing.

In all seriousness though, I am in Texas working at a camp. Internet here is... interesting, so posts might be few and far between. My fan(s?) will have to just be patient with me. Sorry.

On a lighter note, today a woman showed up with to chaperone her son's class from a local school, and let me tell you, she was a PEACH! Ladies if you are looking to class yourself up a little with a new look, might I suggest smoking 2-3 packs of menthol 100s until the skin on your face looks like tree bark, rocking a few warts on your forehead, and flaunting a bedazzled camo t-shirt that says "He Hunts, I Shop" across your sagging tits. It was all I could to to keep from feeling her up in the woods. Goodness!

Lame Tuesday

Pick up this week's TIME magazine, look at the cover, vomit, use cover to wipe up vomit. 

TIME did a story about young people who "get out and vote." COOL!!!! I'm so pumped to read about college kids who think their fuckin awesome because they are politically active. Apparently, you can't get into any parties at UC Berkley unless you have your voter registration card on you, not like any parties at UC Berkley are worth going to anyway, but hey.

So when did it become chic to vote? Isn't that something you just do once you turn 18? Buy porn and cigarettes and register to vote. Am I the only one who was raised this way? Do people really feel the need to flaunt their voter status?? Just do it and keep your fucking mouth shut. The youth of America needs to get a life. Stop whining about our political system to your coffee house pals and crack a few jokes or go meet some girls (unless you are one which means you're probably fat and ugly so you're shit out of luck).

Fat Guy Walks, Novel Ideas Embraced

Interestingly enough, I know the guy in the left hand side of this picture. He's a PhD student in Boston now, but we went to college together once upon a time. I don't know who this Phill Novak guy is on the right, but he's claiming he was once fat when he obviously just stole a photo of my buddy from a few weekends ago, duped CNN into thinking this was him before he started exercising, and is now cashing in on all that Subway Jared pussy. Lucky bastard. 

You can read more about Phill "Two L's" Novak here. If you could care less, try here.

Katherine Heigl

Some of you may know that I'm one of the most kind, gentile souls on the planet and I try and give back every chance I get. That being said, every week night I allow my mom (yes I'm living at home right now. Yeah? Well fuck you too, buddy) to have her choice of TV programing from 6-6:30 because there's nothing on between the 5:30 Seinfeld on TBS and Pardon The Interruption on ESPN at 6:30. Of course, her default pick is Oprah. Personally, I'd rather rub shards of glass in my eyeballs than intentionally watch this show.

Aaaaanyhoo, tonight's episode features "actress" Katherine Heigl, one of the most overrated people on the planet. The show opened with Oprah asking questions about her recent marriage to musician Josh Kelley (who?). Katherine admits that prior to marrying this zero they had not spent more than 2 weeks at a time with each other, and had never lived together. Wow, this marriage is fucking doomed. How could you ever marry someone you haven't lived with before? What if Heigl leaves open cans of tuna in the fridge? What if pop superstar Josh Kelley likes to shave his pubes in the sink? I'll give this 6 months. Just another reason to run Katherine Heigl down with your car or mail Oprah boxes filled with feces.

Blogs, Generally Speaking

Well, usually when someone brings up a "blogger" around me I will launch into a little tiff about how stupid those people are, and how everyone just likes to hear themselves talk about their "point of view" or a "hip, not-so-new observation" and I use a lot of buzz-words like "emo fag" and "moron." But, it's high time I put my money where my mouth is, so I have decided to start this... blog... because I feel as if there needs to be balance. There are too many people on soap boxes out there who don't know their ass from a hole in the ground; and I've made it a moral imperative to tear each and every one of them down. Or at least be entertaining.

I'll try and remember this blog exists so I put something in every day or so. That way you'll have ample opportunity to comment on what a shitty job I'm doing.

Mission Statement

The purpose of this blog is to:

1. Out-blog a certain other blogger who will remain nameless because I don't want to draw any attention to her post-coital cleanup rag of a blog. Chew on that, Jaw.

2. Get at people that annoy me.

3. Get at shit that annoys me.

4. General observations.

5. Funny shit.

6. etc.