My Name Is Allison, But You Can Call Me "Bombs" - UPDATED

Giving yourself a nickname is about as cool as giving a pregnant woman cigarettes and vodka. How big of a zero do you have to be to tag yourself? People this do that need to be ejected from any and all social gatherings. Feel free to pour beer on them as well.

UPDATE - Naming your adopted Chinese daughter "Chynna" is neither clever nor original.

Gay Dudes Love My Balls

This week I got hit on by a gay guy. He did it in front of a bunch of kids I was teaching so it was creepy and inappropriate, but this has happened to me a few times in my life, and I gotta say it doesn't make it any easier. The last time it happened I was still in DC and some Bear in a cutoff t-shirt asked me if I play football because of my "size".

I guess it's sort of a compliment though, right? I mean I must still have something going if some brokeback wants to take a KY bath with me. I hope it's because I still have my boyish good looks and not because I'm starting to give off some gay vibe that men who want to blow me in the parking lot pick up on. I just wish Jessica Simpson would hit on me as much as gay men do. Please. Jessica? Please?

Someone Owes Me A Dinner

I had my first physical in about 6 years today and I'm happy to say I checked out fine. Of course I get the doctor who is adamant about checking for testicular cancer (in all fairness it's sort of a big deal at my age) so dude spent like 10 minutes down there shuffling through my gear. It's the most action I've gotten in months. Which is sad.

I Fell In The Mud Ruining The Very Pants I Set Out To Return

I feel like Kramer in that Seinfeld episode where he sells all of his good stories to J. Peterman, and it SUCKS. I have no stories. I'm out in the middle of nowhere Texas with nothing to write about. I've got this fucker from FFA riding my ass about how shitty my blog is, and I have to tell you I sort of agree with him. But, before I buy a bunch of Newman stories off someone, I'm going to make a conscious effort to step it up.

I am getting a physical tomorrow and haven't shaved my pubes in like 2 months so that should be interesting. Keep an eye out for a post about that.

"Scrubs" Blows

God damn is this an awful show. Some of the people I live with watch it and I just don't get it. It's basically a show about a couple of morons running around a hospital never doing any actual medical work, but instead spend half their time talking to a sarcastic janitor. Is that funny? Did I miss some comedic development in the television world that would explain how we got from quite possibly the funniest sitcom ever in Seinfeld to an abortion like Scrubs?? Someone help.

That fuck-up with the braces from Clueless and Zach Braff of all people head up a listless cast of people who couldn't act their way out of a paper bag. After watching 30 minutes of this garbage I can safely say I won't laugh for a week.

P.S. Zac Efron is the next Zach Braff? I think so.

Pursuing The American Dream

Ladies and gentlemen, your humble and erratic blogger has become a trendsetter yet again. It appears as if unemployment is a catalyst for blogging because a friend of mine has finally followed his dream and given birth to his electronic brainchild. It is my pleasure to give you Fast Food Aficionado.

Now linked permanently on the right is the blog "Fast Food Aficionado." Here, you can skim the pages of ramblings and become an expert on all things fast food. Impress your friends, score chicks, and learn how to consume empty calories and saturated fat in style.

Enjoy.